Not to be out done by the crass exploitation of the Y2K and Millennium Phenomena ( We all know it is really starting next year. Stanley Kubrick knew but he died.), The Society of Wood Heads Only ( formerly known as the Loyal Order of Wood Heads International), met in Indianapolis for their annual dinner. The Indiana Hardwood Lumbermen’s Association Annual Convention was held in conjunction with this SOWHO event.

This year’s festivities were held at this family trattoria called “ Bucco de Peppo’s” in downtown Indianapolis. The weather was “ get up and dance” cold. The usual, preferred weather for this gathering. Special accommodations included a single table with seating for 18. The focal point of the room was the many religious artifacts and the life size bust of …. You guessed it! Pope John Paul II encased in glass for durability and mounted on a lazy-susan for accessibility. It was the perfect papal presentation!
Presiding over the soiree this year was nun other than Steve! Steve welcomed all returning Wood Heads as well as a strapping lot of new SapHeads. SapHeads included Jim, Greg, Geoff, Troy, and Jim. Special surprise Guest of Honor was Pat. Pat is our advisor on governmental affairs and lobbyist for ……… Indianapolis Colts! After much toasting and Here! Here!’s, Steve announced it would be a working dinner and a discussion panel had been formed and they would present their findings
Chaired by Toto, with help from Tom, Bruce, and Skip, they all lent keen insights as to what they do to remain competitive in today’s lumber markets. Their views covered domestic and exotic species. The panel included experts from manufacturing, wholesale and distribution. The techniques amazed everyone present. Sometimes the answers to the most complex questions can be so simple.
A traditional family style Italian dinner was served with enough entrees to launch a relief effort to a small third world country. Kudos for the” Wedding Soup “ and the Eggplant Parmesan. Hell, it was all damn good. Farm fresh and sanitary! The staff of the restaurant kept up with our endless barrage of orders from the BAR and gave us wonderful service throughout the night. Thanks Bruce.
Being the ever-helpful group the we are, we assisted in the serenade of “Happy Birthday to You” to a table of…. You guessed it! Women! Having been lured by the deep velvet tones of our acappella rendition, one remarked “ it was better than the Folger’s Coffee Commercial!” Sigh. Their desire to stay was over ridden by the fear that we were not as we seemed, probably CIA operatives. It happens all the time. Although we professed “ We’re only lumbermen!”; we could not explain the presence of Pope John Paul II. They returned to their table’ dreams and panties shaken, but still intact.
Focusing on the business at hand, Steve announced that we were pooling funds from secret bank accounts to finance Contra spending money for Poplar Raffle tickets on behalf of the SOWHO. Jim ( acting on behalf of Acting Secretary Chuck Ewe Farley) did the math and declared if victorious, we could fund a hospitality suite next year, hire a lobbyist and still have enough left over for 650 lap dances. This seemed like a worthwhile cause, so we quickly agreed to piss away $200. We did.
Incidentally, Chuck could not be present because he had locked himself away in a clandestine location and was surfing the Internet. His goal, yea quest, is to hire the cast and crew of “SLUMBER PARTY.EXE” for next’s year’s “ Impalement Ball”. Way to take one for the Team! Yea Chuck!
Jim asked everyone to sign the list going around the table. Names and email addresses were sought for a credit card scam( Just Kidding!). This will be used to keep everyone current with who’s who and who’s ho hum.
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, Jim hits the Wood Heads upside the bark with a double whammy announcement. Hitting harder than a double wallop from a fifty cent trollop, first it was declared that Steve, remember Steve?, having been on “ double secret probation” all last year,and being an all around good guy with a good looking wife who can cook, was voted via secret ballot and general acclamation, The Society Of Wood Heads Only Wood Head of the Year Award: Who da’ Man 2000! Steve has been sporting wood most of his life and really just needed someone to recognize it publicly !Congratulations and Fuck yous followed.
Jim then announced the building of the Wood Heads web site. Here to fore, our ever expanding, multipurpose, multifunctional web site can be reached at WWW.WOODHEADSONLY.Com . It is expected the site will be up and running by March. If you are reading this, then it is.
Many good things are expected for the year 2000. Everyone vowed to get laid more often but you know how some resolutions ….well. The members affirmed their adherence to good tomes and ample timber supply. It was suggested we meet again next year and continue to expand our special brand of humor and goodwill around the world. Respectively submitted, Chuck Ewe Farley.